When people discover that we have been co-counselling for several years they often ask us, "But what do you find to work on after the first few weeks?" We can remember we had such thoughts initially, but not for very long. The question seems to arise from the idea that co-counselling is only for people who have PROBLEMS and as the speaker is a normal functioning person then they do not have problems. These days we notice that what people regard as normal includes having lots of things they find very difficult to cope with, and this frequently means they have a high level of Distress.
In our experience it is true that many people start co-counselling at times in their lives when they are having special difficulties. However, co-counselling is also about growth and development, and provides tools to help people change any part of their lives they wish to. Co-counselling is not only for therapy. We have been using co-counselling to change areas of lives we were dissatisfied with for ten years now. We have not yet run out of topics worth working on, and we keep making changes for ourselves in directions which mean less Distress and more zest and enjoyment in our lives.
Our personal criteria for areas of our lives that are worth working on are that we should end up by saving more time, to spend as we choose, than we spend on our co-counselling sessions. Of course if you do not have things in your life you want to change, there is no point in spending time in co-counselling sessions.
The following may be useful suggestions when there is not a distressing event in the forefront of your awareness:
1. Scan minor Distresses of the past week, or since your last session. Talk through them in present tense, with concrete imagery and encourage Discharge by the usual techniques.
2. Relax and let your mind drift. Notice your associations and pick up either the event or the theme that begins to take prominence in your attention. Use talking through and the other appropriate techniques.
3. Pick a theme to scan on, starting with earliest memories and working forwards in time. Pick areas that you know involve Distress--though in practice most themes will do. Some commonly useful ones: sexual experiences; working life; school life; learning new things; asserting yourself; boring times, frustrating events; religious experiences--the list is endless.
Harvey Jackins has suggested that everyone can benefit from telling the story of their lives at least once; you may of course need more than one session for that. For distressing themes where you want extra time and support you could consider making a contract with a counsellor for a number of sessions on that theme--sexual experiences for example. There are many advantages when both people are working on the same theme, though the disadvantage is restimulation of the counsellor. You may need to allow time for whoever is counsellor in the second part of the session to get rid of restimulation from the client's session.
4. Role play typical Distresses of childhood, with your counsellor acting as a parental figure. E.g. eating up food, toilet training, having to go to bed or to school. This process may surface specific memories, and usually produces copious laughter Discharge and often Discharge of other kinds as well. You may find there are other remembered dislikes. At a recent workshop someone remembered having their hair washed roughly and someone else how painful face washing had been. Both parties found the distresses more powerful than they originally thought and well worth working on.
5. Scanning or role-playing a future event which you are anxious about. The techniques for doing this are the same as scanning past events; talk through in detail and encourage Discharge as you hit Distress.
6. Checking Recognitions. Try using this exercise with the major people in your life, as well as any new people you meet.
7. Direction Holding against chronic Patterns: When you have identified some of your chronic Patterns you will probably find it useful to allot some time to working on them in most sessions you have. Chronic Patterns, by definition, are hard to see and difficult to pay attention to. Because of this it will pay to enlist your counsellor's cooperation, by detailing the Pattern you want to work on, and by having an intensive contract for this part of your session. (See Direction Holding details in Helping Discharge Happen.)
8. Distressing dreams can be worked on as though they were real events in your life, as can distressing fantasies, or images of yourself that are self-deprecatory.
9. Bodywork can be used to surface Distress. Massage for example will frequently produce associations when tense muscles are worked on. Stress positions of the body as used in bioenergetics will have the same effect, as can hyperventilation. When associations come up, work with them by the usual methods. Note that this type of bodywork can bypass the controls which ensure that the client is working on material they can handle. Our personal recommendation is that bodywork is only used when both the client and counsellor are experienced, and when the contract is specific about level and type of counsellor intervention.
10. When you have a lot of free attention--at the beginning of a session or after Discharge--you can decide to focus on learning a new skill, or to use the time for action planning or creative thinking. When you do any of these things it is helpful to decide whether you want a no intervention contract, a 'Think and Listen' type, or whether you want your counsellor's help over contradicting self-putdowns or for discharging Distress.
Go to previous page. Go to next page. Return to How to Change Yourself & Your World.