The Rescue Triangle in sessions 
In the outside world it is quite common for one person
to try to control the behaviour of another, for example, think of some
of the ways a parent might try to get her child to do his homework. Because
of this, controlling patterns could quite easily slip into the client-counsellor
relationship. There are, however, several measures in place in Co-Counselling
to prevent this from happening. In this way Co-Counselling provides, in
its session structure, a good opportunity for people to become familiar
with non-controlling, healthy patterns of support and people taking responsibility
for their own needs. Here are the ways in which Co-Counselling models
healthy support.
The Client is Always in Charge.
This means that he or she can refuse the counsellor's suggestions and
do whatever she needs to do to maximise the benefit of the session for
herself. This removes the counsellor's automatic authority.
Co-Counselling training is primarily Client Training.
This prepares the client for being in charge of their process and their
session. Although this approach is not always taken on Fundamentals courses
in different places.
The Free Attention Contractalso assumes that the client is in charge
and is able to run their session on their own behalf. 'Equal Time' for
sessions. This means that there is no chance that one person can rescue
another by 'giving' them more time.
Counsellor gives Suggestions, which means that the client can ignore
them. (Although in some parts of the world the word 'Intervention' is
used). Despite these measures, controlling patterns can still slip into
the client-counsellor relationship. Hence the rest of this chapter, which
raises awareness of how to deal with those patterns once you perceive
them.
You in the counsellor role 
1. How to recognise that you are in the rescue triangle as counsellor?
Symptoms of you RESCUING your client
• feeling very involved in the client's session
• leaning forward
• feeling responsible for the client's work, 'success' or 'failure'
in the session
• trying to say the right thing or trying not to 'get it wrong' as
counsellor
• trying to solve the client's problem; giving advice
• trying to stop the client from feeling distressed
| Questabel: At risk of repeating myself, I
need to ask again: What is wrong with wanting to help my client? There is nothing wrong with wanting to help your client per se. It is a healthy-enough attitude to want to make a difference in the lives of other people, as long as you are not unawarely doing it to feel better about yourself or to give yourself an energy boost. There are different ways of helping your client. Rescuing them may give them a short-term solution, but Co-Counselling focuses on long-term changes. In the long term, it is more helpful for people to rely on their own resources to solve their problems. Being there for someone and witnessing their process as they develop their own truth will contribute to a far more fundamental change in their lives in the long-run. |
Symptoms of you PERSECUTING your client
It is unlikely that you will openly behave in a persecuting way towards
your client, but feeling irritated or angry with him or her for no apparent
reason is a sign that you are in.
Sometimes people don't realise that they are rescuing until they move
to the persecuting role.
Some symptoms of persecuting are:
• feeling irritated about how the client is using the session or
thinking they are not doing the right thing e.g. thinking "the client
ought to be discharging now", "the client is dodging the point".
• repeating the same suggestion several times even though the client
has ignored it, in the hope that he or she will be 'wise' enough to pick
it up
• becoming impatient with the client
• feeling judgmental towards the client in some way, for example,
accepting them as a person, but not accepting their behaviour or needs
Symptoms of feeling a 'VICTIM' of your client
We believe that feeling a victim of your client actually happens quite
rarely.
However, here are some examples of how this might happen.
• Feeling upset when your client seems to ignore all your suggestions
or seems to put your counselling down in some way e.g. "I don't want
those kind of interventions".
• Your client puts you on a free attention contract, then uses the
session to tell you they are angry about something you did. You feel upset
and don't do anything to stop them.
| Questabel: I can see that the first one is
a situation in which you as counsellor have interpreted your client's
actions as against you. But in the second one it seems that the client
is actually abusing the set-up of having a session. How can I know
the difference between sensing a 'real' abuse by the client and a
simple invitation to join the rescue triangle? This is a really important point. Yes, sometimes, very rarely, a client may actually abuse the situation of having a session and this may not be clear in the beginning. I heard the following story from a Co-Counsellor: During a session where the client had asked for and agreed on a contract of light massage, it became clear that the client had an ulterior motive. He allowed himself to become aroused during the session, at which point I stopped it. Later on the client more openly expressed his sexual wishes and it became clear that he had used the session as a leading in. There's no clear answer to this. If you start to feel suspicious that your client is abusing the situation, this can stem from your own restimulation or it may be an accurate sensing of the situation. Either way, you as counsellor are distracted away from being fully there for your client and this in itself is a good enough reason to stop the session. So you don't need to understand on the spot exactly what is going on. |
2. How to step out of the Rescue Triangle?
We've explained how to notice when you as counsellor are in the rescue
triangle. However, noticing you are in it is only part of the story. The
next two sections are about how to get out of it and how to avoid getting
into it in the first place.
How to get out of the rescue triangle when you notice you are involved
in it.
Whichever role you are in there are a few simple things that you can do
to get out of it.
Sit back and try to find a position where your body feels physically
balanced by making small movements forwards, backwards and sideways.
The reason for this is that when people get involved in the rescue triangle
they lose a sense of physical balance in their bodies. So by re-balancing
you can switch out of the rescue triangle.
Stop giving interventions temporarily.
Put yourself internally on a 'free attention' contract and start to witness
your client's process more as an outsider. This will lessen your involvement
with your client's session.
Stopping the session as counsellor
If the suggestions above don't work, remember you always have the right
as counsellor to stop a contract and re-negotiate if it doesn't feel right
any more. This is particularly important if you are no longer able to
offer free attention or if it is a real struggle to be non-judgemental.
This is about looking after yourself, but it is also about being honest
with your client. If you are not able to give them free attention or regain
your free attention for whatever reason, it is best to stop the session.
If the client carries on in spite of what you have said, you have the
right to simply walk away.
3. How to avoid 'invitations' to get involved in the Rescue Triangle
We have talked about what to do if you notice you are already in the rescue
triangle. But you may become aware at some point that you are on the verge
of getting into the rescue triangle. Something the client is doing may
provide a trigger for you, or an 'invitation', if you like, to join in.
Here are some examples of these kind of 'invitations'.
You perceive that the client is starting to criticise your counselling,
saying 'that's a crap suggestion, you're not helping', you may be tempted
to get into the victim role ('Oh no, I'm getting it wrong') or to persecute
the client ('it's your own fault, you're not working on this properly').
In some Co-Counselling cultures, where people are trained to discharge
anger keeping eye contact with the counsellor, you may as counsellor start
taking this personally as if it is directed at you. (We acknowledge of
course that there is a good side to keeping eye contact: as long as the
counsellor can stay unrestimulated, the client can see that he or she
is still accepted even when angry).
This section is about how you can decline 'invitations', or in other words
how you can avoid getting involved in the rescue triangle.
Directing anger away from you
If you feel that you are at risk of getting involved in your client's
anger when they are directing it towards you, you can ask the client to
direct it away from you towards a cushion.
Prompting the client to look at the restimulation
If you perceive that the client is becoming personal with you, blaming
you or feeling a victim of you, chances are that this is a projection.
If this happens, ask your client
'Who do I remind you of?' or
'What situation in the past does our client-counsellor relationship remind
you of?'
Only do this when you feel totally calm and unrestimulated yourself, because
otherwise there is a risk that your suggestion will fuel your client's
anger still further. On the other hand, experienced clients will take
up this suggestion very easily.
Sitting back and switching internally to free attention
As we explained above, sitting back, balancing yourself physically and
temporarily stopping making suggestions is also a good way to avoid 'invitations'
into the rescue triangle.
You in the client role
1. How to recognise that you are in the rescue triangle as client
Symptoms of you RESCUING your counsellor
Here are some real examples that people told us about.
• A classic one for me is to try and 'educate' my counsellor by my
work or my way of working on some issue I may perceive as helpful to him.
Or more subtly, I may choose not to do some work as it would 'not be good
for my counsellor' (My decision without checking that out)
• Not asking for touch because I think the counsellor can't cope.
• Asking for free attention to prevent the counsellor from feeling
embarrassed because they don't know what interventions to give.
• Accepting interventions when they don't feel right so that the
counsellor does not feel upset.
• Not looking the counsellor in the eyes to prevent them from feeling
checked up on (i.e. whether they are doing the job well)
• Letting the counsellor 'take over' the direction of the session
so that I don't upset her.
• Not working on an issue because it is too close to the bone of
the counsellor's stuff. Not negotiating this or checking it out with the
counsellor.
Symptoms of you feeling a VICTIM of your counsellor
Some Co-Counsellors told us their experience with feeling a victim as
client.
• "Feeling disappointed because your counsellor has not given
you the 'right' suggestions to get at your stuff (and sometimes silently
blaming the counsellor for not doing more to help)"
• "Feeling out of control because of all the stuff that's come
up through the counsellor's suggestions"
• "I felt very much a victim of my counsellor, when it was difficult
for me to refuse the suggestions of my counsellor, because I was already
in the space of not being able to speak up. (Frealing contract helped
me very much with this.)"
• "When I am faced with a very charismatic counsellor or one
with plenty of personal power, or holding a lot of anger in his or her
system, I shut down and I don't run my session anymore."
• "As client you misunderstand a suggestion from your counsellor
e.g. you feel they are rejecting you or want you to shut up."
Symptoms of you PERSECUTING your counsellor
• Correcting the counsellor - reminding the counsellor of how to
behave, instead of asking for what you need.
• Blaming the counsellor for 'bringing up' more stuff than you bargained
for
2. How to step out of the rescue triangle
Here are some suggestions for how to get out of the rescue triangle, once
you notice you are in it.
• Switch to a free attention contract
• Ask for some attention switches to switch your attention into present
time
• Remind yourself that you are in charge of your session and that
you can ignore your counsellor's suggestions if they are not helpful to
you
• Ask yourself: "What do I need at the moment?" Or, "How
could I get more out my session at the moment?"
• Ask for what you need e.g. "I would like a free attention
contract now.", "I need to stop for a moment and just breathe."
• If necessary, stop the session and seek a session with someone
else
• If your counsellor is doing something that is distracting you or
restimulating you, ask them to stop it e.g. "Could you sit back a
bit please?", "Please stop making that suggestion."
• Consider working on what's come up for you (see the next section).
3. How to 'exploit' 'invitations' to get involved in the rescue triangle
Being in the rescue triangle or noticing that you are on the verge of
getting into it mean that you are restimulated in some way. If this happens
during your session it is likely that this restimulation will become 'what's
on top' and will demand that you shift your attention away from whatever
it was you were working on. If you feel safe enough, you could continue
with the session and use this as an opportunity to work on what's come
up for you.
For example, you may perceive that your counsellor is trying to control
you, or rescue you but this may not actually be the case. He/she may remind
you of somebody else who tried to manipulate you in the past and now you
are interpreting your counsellor's behaviour as being the same type of
behaviour.
What you can do.
Without referring to what's happened between you (because this may reduce
the level of your counsellor's free attention), go straight to techniques
of the 'Identity Check' like:
"Who does this person remind me of?" Or
"What event in the past does this remind me of?",
"What would I like to say to that person?"
"What would I most like to say to that person?"
"What could I actually say to that person (in reality)?"
For safety put the person from the past on a cushion, rather than embodying
them as your counsellor. This helps to separate the two in your mind.
If this feels too unsafe, try asking for attention switches, or if necessary,
stop the session altogether.